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I Can’t (Wont) Do It
Lately, in recent weeks, I’ve found out that I am, have been, and truly can be a scumbag to dudes. In fact, I’m very good at it. I’ve been scumbaggy to girls too, so I’m equal opportunity scumbag. But the more this is thrown in my face as reality, the more I’ve had to come face to face with the fact that I’m reacting almost super-subconsciously. The more I’m forced to face it though, the more I delve into why it is I behave this way and why I think I can get away with it. I mean, if I didn’t think I could I wouldn’t. I’m a big proponent of know what you can achieve and then go for it. But damn.
Anyway… Feelings. It all comes back to feelings. I never thought I was this much of an Aquarius, but maybe I am. I’m just not that girl. I’m not gonna have a talk with you about my feelings, whether we’re sleeping together, I’m in love with you, or even if we are just homegirls and you kinda fucked up. I’m not about to sit down and talk with you about my feelings. (I could bold and italicize certain parts of that sentence, but even that would be too much.) Because you know what I’ve learned in my life - sharing my feelings with people let’s them in on a secret code which is equivalent to precisely how to hurt me.
Guess what? Few have done it, won’t let anyone else. Fact point blank. I think a lot, daily, all the time. I know my life is missing something. Even with people who I truly do love and adore and respect, I can not allow myself to connect. I think they’re cool. Everyone is kind of cool. And I like and love a bunch of people who are in my life now, but I will not - and this is a conscious decision - let anyone, boy, girl, friend, lover, I wont let anyone that close again,
In the end, everyone stabs you in the back, or just turns and walks away. Let’s all just spare one another the bullshit.
I think it’s actually hella big of me to stand firm on what I know. Let’s not talk about my feelings. You’re not gonna get it anyway.